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“Autism Isn’t a Dirty Word, But It Feels Like It Is,” Luna Luna Magazine

“I check ‘no’ on the box for ‘Do you have a disability?’ on job applications. I didn’t sign up for my alma mater’s disability services while I was a student because I was too ashamed. I stumbled through a presentation to the Autism Community Club on campus to speak about my experiences during my senior year. I’m a member of We Need Diverse Books, and it wasn’t until four months into working with them that I dared tell anyone I’m autistic and that I wanted to share #ActuallyAutistic voices for April’s Autism Acceptance Month (re-titled by the autistic community from Autism Awareness Month). Even in situations where I’m likely to be accepted, I’m terrified to be truthful. That’s how strong the stigma is.

Autism isn’t a dirty word, but I have many reasons to feel like it is. For most of my life, the education system and the health care system let me down. Growing up, I was taught in school to hide the things that make me autistic. I wasn’t allowed to stim (flap my hands, kick my feet, twirl my hair, dance) in classes, even when I was experiencing painful sensory overload or deprivation. I was forced on the balance beam over and over again, even though my comorbid dyspraxia made walking across it near impossible. Behavioral therapists made me sit on my hands while I talked to them about my creative ideas, so I would learn not to ‘distract’ anyone from what I was saying.

I was extremely lucky. I grew up with two disabled parents who allowed me to be my proud autistic self, even if the rest of the world didn’t. When my grandmother requested I sit on my hands and tuck my feet in while telling a story, my mom stuck up for me, and said I told stories better if I was allowed to move around. When my second grade teacher stopped allowing me to use the restroom more than once in a six-hour school day, my mom accidentally called her ‘the b-word.’ And then apologized to me. ‘Because,’ she said, ‘you shouldn’t use that word, even if she is one.’”

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